While blissfully thumbing through the latest edition of InStyle (Oh Renee! Please change your hair!) on the tarmac of Logan Airport in Boston, I found myself gagging.

In the middle of an article on the hot dresses of the summer was an ad for this.

I literally gagged. This isn’t Adrienne exaggerating the details in order to write something pithy. The horror of a high-heeled Croc hit me and my gag reflex went off.

It’s not like the bastard child of the Ugg and the Croc was bad enough. Now they have ugly, plastic shoes that make you taller and masquerade as “tasteful.”

There is also a wedge version. Somewhere on earth a beautiful Louboutin or Ferragamo died for these shoes.

It seems that I heard rumors of these shoes. However, I blocked it out, like I block out other awful concepts, such as the Vols losing or Obama winning the presidency.

The ad* is awful. Aside from having three types of fonts, they use the word “anti-microbial” as a selling point. Shoes are on your feet. They’re going to get dirty. Dirt carries germs. Trying to have germ-free shoes is a losing battle.

Someone please make them go away. Send them to anti-microbial hell. Please.

*The ad isn’t online, so I’ll try to scan it in and post.

Without a doubt, the two ugliest types of shoes in recent years have been Uggs and Crocs.*

However, both are seasonal shoes. While there are only three reasons to wear Crocs, the holes in some types would make them rather unpleasant in the winter. Thank goodness the tacky celebrity phase of wearing Uggs in the summer with short skirts is over. Uggs are great shoes in the winter, but only the cold weather justifies their existence.

What would happen if Mr. Croc met Ms. Ugg, and they decided to get hitched?

Unfortunately, this is probably the result of their union.

*In full disclosure, I confess to owning a pair of Uggs, which are my winter commuting shoes, and sadly a pair of Crocs.

As I mentioned earlier, I’m dog-sitting for a few days this week. Sunday night, I realized that I only packed a complete outfit for Monday. I had a grey shirt with no pants and a blue skirt with no shirt. (Yeah, I’m special that way.) This left me with several options:

a) Call my roommate and ask her to bring my pants on Monday since she works a few blocks from me.
b) Run home after work and retrieve my pants.
c) Go to the store and buy a new outfit.

I hope you put your money on c since that’s obviously the most logical choice. Target has really cute clothes this fall, so I stopped by to find a new outfit. I’ve been eyeing these jumpers, and this was the perfect opportunity to get one. Not only is it a great fall piece, but jumpers have been shunned from fall clothing lines for too long.

When I tried it on, I realized why I liked it so much. It’s exactly like one I wore around 1985 to preschool. It’s only missing two purple applique hearts and my Stride Rite mary janes. Maven Mom could probably whip out a picture. I wore it all the time.

I can’t believe that I’m writing this, but some 80s (kids) clothes really were cute and more classic than adults. I’m digging my new jumper. Frilly dresses with puff sleeves better not come back. I may not have the willpower to resist.

Last year, Mrs. M and I formed the Anti-Croc Coalition. Since then, I was dismayed to see the leader of the free world wearing the hideous shoes and a growing acceptance of them in fashionable corners of this country.

Just like McDonalds and Starbucks, Crocs have invaded the UK.

I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. There are Americans who prefer tasteful footwear.

After a decades of taking it off, is being modest now hip?

Ypulse, Boundless, and Carolyn McCully have mentioned the growing “Modesty Movement.”

Culturally, this makes sense. Islam is a growing force in the world, and Hollywood has proven the economic power of Evangelical Christians.  To varying degrees, both of these religions advocate women dressing modestly.

Personally, I’m a fan for several different reasons. While I attended Berean, my ultra-conservative Baptist high school, we had a strict dress code. It was nearly impossible to navigate, and almost everyone got in trouble at some point since the rules were open to the intrepretation of each teacher. A fashionable clothing line marketed as modest would have been a big help.

Secondly, I’m with Stacy and Clinton of What Not to Wear. You don’t have bear a ton of skin to dress attractivly. I’ve sat through too many professional meetings with a woman dressed inappropriately. That just makes everyone else uncomfortable, and as one of the Fug girls said last week, good manners exist to make others comfortable.

What do you think? Is this just a return to good manners and class or an attempt to push a political agenda through fashion?

Kudos to the UT Roomie (aka the Mrs. M) for courageously speaking out against the travesty that has swept our nation and sadly the world: the proliferation of wearing Crocs.

If UT Roomie is forming an anti-Croc coalition, sign me up. Someone needs to do something about those ugly shoes.

Sure, they’re comfortable and completely washable, but what do they look good with? In my opinion, Crocs should be banned from all wardrobes. There are only three occasions when the wearing of Crocs is acceptable:

1)If you wear scrubs, Crocs are ok. If you work in the medical field, chances are you are on your feet all day. Scrubs are already high on the “ugly but comfortable and practical” scale, so adding boat-like shoes to the outfit can’t really hurt it. Plus, they’re completely washable, which is probably important for sanitizing things.

2)Gardeners can wear Crocs. I’ve mentioned this before, but both of my parents are master gardeners (their back yard looks like something in Better Homes and Gardens). Comfortable and washable shoes are absolutely necessary. Sneakers or tennis shoes are just way too hard to clean after working in the mud.

3)Kids at summer camp. Having worked with kids and camps for several years in a couple of different jobs, Crocs are perfect for the average camper. They protect kids’ feet, can get wet and clean easily. Plus, they should be worn without socks (UT Roomie expertly described the effect of wearing Crocs with socks). It would be wonderful if parents realized that their children can’t keep up with 14 things each day. If they aren’t wearing it, it’s going to get lost. That’s why millions of towels, socks, underwear, lunch boxes, windbreakers, goggles and expensive electronic gadgets are lost each year at summer camp. Kids need nothing more than a swimsuit, t-shirt, shorts, lunch, shoes, sunscreen and possibly a towel. Don’t get me started on parents who buy name brands for their 5-year-old. Children just don’t know the difference between Tommy and Target and will destroy both.

My own life has been affected by Crocs. I’m sad to say that Mom from the South likes them. Normally, she has impeccable taste, which she passed on to me. Since discovering this lapse, I’ve gradually been working on her to see the error of this ugly footwear. Right before we left for London in April, Mom bought a pair of black ones and asked my opinion. While you do need comfortable shoes in London, Crocs are never the answer! I managed to talk her out of it, and she brought them back. When we got there, she noticed that NO ONE was wearing Crocs, and she acknowledged that by wearing them, she’d be perpetuating the stereotype of poorly dressed Americans. However, one day, while shopping in Covent Gardens, she pointed out a pair in a store window and a man who was looking at them. I simply replied, “Now they’re ugly on both sides of the ocean.”

I’ve also noticed that they have infiltrated DC! On K Street one morning, I noticed a woman wearing a button-down shirt, black skirt, black hose and PINK CROCS! Now, I understand the need for commuter shoes, but Crocs? Black flip flops or ballet flats are much more tasteful and discreet. They’re also a lot cheaper than Crocs. (They’re expensive pieces of boat-like rubber!)

The important lesson, kiddies, is NEVER BUY CROCS! If you’re shoe shopping and the temptation strikes to even pick up a pair of the ugly things, do as the Monty Python boys suggest and, “Run Away!!!!!” Unless you fall into one of the three categories above, Crocs are never the answer.